When I see the word brat, I don’t think of the Gen Z presidential pundits rebrand of Vice President Kamala Harris’ campaign. I think brat in the context of the BDSM community, where the term refers to a submissive who is—well—bratty. Brats taunt and talk back to their dom/domme. Unlike a switch who goes back and forth easily between sub and domme, a brat is playfully disobedient and obedient in the way in which they interact with their partner before fully submitting into a scene.
Green juice is my president. Green juice is my dom.
So in that bratty, submissive way, I fully submit to green juice. Green juice is king—not because of the false advertisement of it being “detoxifying”1 or a “cure-all” for ailments. The truth is that vegetable juice is not a miracle drink. Compared to whole fruits and vegetables, it lacks dietary fiber, and some studies indicate that it may be harmful to your kidneys if consumed excessively. The high oxalate content in some vegetables, like spinach and kale, can contribute to kidney stone formation over time.2 This isn’t to scare you, just to inform you.3
My estranged father and my first dog, Kocoa, both had kidney issues. It runs in my family, and because of that, I’m cautious. Yet, like a true disobedient brat, I love to dangerously gulp down green juice by the gallon. I love it because of the color and the fresh cold press juice smell that wafts in your kitchen when you make it. I love how my body feels instantly energized, like a wilted plant freshly watered or a charged-up green battery like the emoji. It’s something I’ve been making at least once a week for several years. Green juice is my president. Green juice is my dom.
But I’m not the kind of green juice masochist who only believes in drinking strictly celery or leafy greens. There was a period of time when I did, and you know what? I didn’t win an award for it, and my health wasn’t significantly better than before. Turns out, green juice is more bioavailable as in, better for your body when the vegetables and fruits are more diverse. As in, the more you put in it, the better.4 Why was I so obedient to something I didn’t like? That’s not how it works in kink and that’s not what I wanted from my juice. I wanted to feel good and satisfied and cared for like after a scene with a good domme. What made me feel good was adding neutral vegetables like lettuce or cucumber and complementary fruits, fresh herbs like cilantro, basil, cannabis leaves, garlic, and ginger. It’s so much better to—like a brat—mix it up with something sweet, bitter, and clever.
The Recipe —
What You Need:
Juicer (or) Blender + mesh strainer
5-10 whole stalks of celery, leaves included
2 stalks of kale
1/4 bunch of cilantro or parsley
2 green apples, cored
3 small or 1 large cucumber(s)
1-2 orange(s), peeled (save 1/4 of the peel to add to juice)
1-2 two-inch chunk of ginger, peeled
1-2 limes, juiced
1-2 garlic clove(s) *optional
1-2 cups of pineapple *optional
1/2 cup nopal cactus *optional
Pro Tip: Any combination of the ingredients above will taste great. Just remember to balance the flavors using at least 2 vegetables/herbs: 1 fruit, 1 spice (i.e., ginger root, garlic cloves, or turmeric root), and citrus.
What to do:
If using a blender, clean and rough chop all ingredients into chunks small enough for your blender (about 2-4 inches in diameter). Add 1/2 cup of filtered or alkaline water at a time to make the blending process smoother and to render more juice. Strain into a pitcher with lime juice.
If using a juicer, clean and rough chop all ingredients into longer pieces that will safely glide into your juicer. Alternate fruits and veggies to keep the juicer from getting baked up. For example, start with a couple of stalks of celery, then something soft like orange, pineapple, or nopal, alternating back and forth between hard and soft ;). Once you’ve rendered all the juice, add it to a pitcher and add lemon juice last.Serve immediately, waiting 20 minutes before and after coffee or solid foods. (A full stomach or coffee may prevent the minerals and vitamins from absorbing straight into your bloodstream).
Store the rest in an air-tight glass jar or container in the refrigerator for up to 3 days.
I wouldn’t judge if you poured this over ice or in a coupe with 1 oz of mezcal and an extra squeeze of lime for happy hour.
“Green (Detox) juice physicochemical properties and stabilization effect of naturals emulsifiers” Jully Lacerda Fraga, Gizele Cardoso Fontes Sant’Ana, et al, Universidade Federal do Rio de Janeiro (2020). DOI: 10.1590/0103-8478cr20190739
“Juicing Is Not All Juicy”, Yeong-Hau H. Lien, MD, PhD, The American Journal of Medicine (2013), DOI:https://doi.org/10.1016/j.amjmed.2013.04.007
“Drinking your Greens: Green Smoothies from a Nutritional and Toxicological Point of View”, Julika Lietzow, Bernd Schäfer et al, Ernahrungs Umschau (2022) DOI: 10.4455/eu.2022.024
“Green Juice in Human Metabolism: A RandomizedTrial”, Marina Chiochetta, Eduarda Jardim Ferreira, Isabel Taís da Silva Moreira, et al, Journal of the American College of Nutrition, (2018) DOI: 10.1080/07315724.2018.1457458